


dont read this either

by joshurlocalmeme



Category: The OC RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23283235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshurlocalmeme/pseuds/joshurlocalmeme





	dont read this either

“Is that the guy who’s…“

“…it must be awful…”

Tyler could hear them, and tried desperately to block it out but it still found a way to burrow through, every word a jab to his brain as if it had a splinter he could never reach.

Why did people have pity in their eyes? Why did they apologise? It wasn’t their fault he’s depressed, why was it such a big deal? Sometimes he wished he could curl up into a ball and hide away from their judgement but instead he would stare hard into space as if it were the one that wronged him.

“Such a pity…”

Tyler pretended not to notice when his friend talked a little louder.

_“Guess who’s coming back today?”, his mother said in a cheery voice, knowing how excited her child got when he could see his friend again._

_“Josh!” Tyler ran to the bottom of the stairs and sat on the third step on the right side because on the left the carpet was still damp from where he’d spilt his drink earlier._

_“What are you doing?” asked his mum with a bright smile as she leant over the banister._

_“Waiting for him. He always comes to me first and shows me his cool things he got,” Tyler explained, eyes never leaving the door._

_“Okay, honey,” his mother chuckled. “Would you like a drink to help you wait it out?”_

_“No, thank you, he’ll be here soon. I can feel it.”_

_“Whatever you say,” his mum reached over and tousled his hair, to which he protested and smoothed it down again._

_“I need to look cool!”_

_His mother answered with a laugh and went off to the kitchen._

Bottom of the stairs. Three up. Right side, not on the stain that never came out. The clock was ticking achingly slowly, like a horse pulling a heavy carriage. Rustles of a newspaper occasionally came from the living room, the turning of a page onto some other horrific disaster, something else wrong with the world today.

“Must be awful,” Tyler thought and began to pick at a loose thread on his sweater.

A light pitter-patter startled Tyler but as soon as he realised it was rain, he sighed. It had sounded somewhat like a knock.

He never brought up when Josh was getting back because he knew he’d annoy everyone. He knew he just had a wait a few more days because of a delayed flight, it happens almost every time and Josh did go travelling a _lot_. However, that didn’t give everyone the excuse to dance around the subject like some extravagant ballet, he was usually told at least how long they thought it’d take to fly back but now Josh was travelling alone, Tyler was sure he had more things to worry about than contacting his friend. Even if they were _best_ _friends_. Next time he was going to go with Josh because Tyler decided he couldn’t be trusted. He tutted, smiling, seemed like he was always going to be running around after Josh.

_“What do you think of the future?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Do you think we’d still be friends?”_

_Tyler frowned; it wasn’t something that had ever crossed his mind before._

_“Of course, why would you say that?”_

_Josh sighed._

_“I was wondering why you never say bye when you go. You always say ‘see ya’ or something else, I have never once heard you say ‘goodbye’.” Josh glanced at him to gauge his reaction._

_Tyler considered this for a moment and thought of how to say it in ways people would understand._

_“It’s too conclusive, like that’s the end. I feel as if you’re never going to see them again.”_

_“Ah,” Josh said. “I see.”_

_They sat in comfortable silence for a while, contemplating and finding things to pick up and pick at._

_“So you won’t ever say bye to me?”_

_“No, we’ll be together forever,” Tyler grinned and Josh laughed at how ridiculous that sounded._

_“You’re so lame,” Josh playfully pushed Tyler's shoulder, mirroring his wide grin._

\-------

“How do you feel about flying to Canada next year?” Tyler's mum sat down next to him on the sofa and showed him a photo on her phone of a lodge surrounded by snow with a pair of vertical skis stuck into it like an umbrella on a cocktail.

Tyler shrugged.

“I’ve always wanted to fly,” Tyler said offhandedly and his mother’s eyes darted to him and back to the screen. He pretended he didn’t notice.

“I’ll book the tickets soon then, as long as you’re sure,” his mum looked at him in a I’m-trying-really-hard-to-understand-you-but-I-can’t-figure-you-out way and it made him feel uneasy, he didn’t need everyone trying to work him out, having one therapist was enough.

“Yes, I’m sure. It’ll be great,” Tyler nodded and went back to reading his book.

His mum left the room without saying another word.

\-------

The grating sound of a cat meowing travelled through his bedroom window. The street lamp flickered twice. A dog barked in the distance.

Tyler turned over, facing his wall of Polaroids. His most prized possessions, the things he would save in a house fire. Smiles from his younger self with his friends at various locations, a theme park which closed down years ago, sports day when their team came second, a swimming gala with his nine-year-old self holding up a participation certificate. Tyler felt the ghost of a smile tug at his lips. Man, he wished he could go back to those days. The smile faded as quickly as it arrived as another wave of thought lapped at his mind.

He would never be that carefree again.

It was getting worse. He needed Josh, even just his presence as a reassurance that everything’ll get better. So they could ride their bikes again and maybe visit the river like they used to, for old time’s sake. School work was getting harder and it wasn’t letting up, each day a new assignment. Lucky for Tyler he was a ‘special case’ so he was let off being late to hand it in but was always promised that it was a ‘one-time thing’. He knew weariness now showed on his face, bloodshot eyes underlined with crayon-thick black marks like the crayons he and Josh used to scribble on the walls, Oh, how his mum freaked out when she saw.

Everyone was trying to help. They kept saying, “I know what you’re going through” and Tyler wanted to scream “WHAT? WHAT AM I GOING THROUGH?” from the top of his lungs but the words never surfaced and he felt even more lost, in a sea of people, as if he were sinking into depths unknown. He was drowning and there was no one here that could save him. He needed Josh's hand to pull his head above the endless, mindless tides that washed over his increasingly numbing brain, getting sick from the same pointless routine.

He turned over once more, determined to fall asleep.

\-------

Tyler took a deep breath; it was now or never, he had to know despite whether or not she would get annoyed at him _persistently_ asking every time.

His mum sat at the table, drinking a mug of coffee getting ready for her night-time shift at the ward. For some reason Tyler felt as if he had to tip-toe, or else something other than the silence would break. He cleared his throat to announce his presence and casually opened the cupboard, reaching up for a glass.

“There’s some orange juice in the fridge, your favourite,” even though he had his back turned to her he knew she was smiling. She was always smiling, something he’d inherited from her. Only recently had he stopped, must’ve been… back when… Tyler couldn’t remember the last time he smiled properly, not wistful or reflective, but a good old grin, like when Josh would tell a particular cheesy joke and Tyler would try not to laugh but it’s _so bad_ it’s good.

“Mum,” Tyler started, hands fiddling with the glass in his hand before placing it on the side and turning around.

“Yes, sweetie,” his mum absentmindedly answered, taking another sip of coffee as her other hand was occupied with scrolling through Twitter. Tyler's words had almost got caught in his throat but he took a deep breath above the surface.

“When’s Josh coming home?”

The smash of a coffee mug was all Tyler heard as his mother’s horrified expression turned to face him before she ran to embrace him. The shirt of his shoulder was getting damp as he stood there, as still as a corpse, moving only because of racking shoulders.

“Mum?” Tyler's voice broke in the middle of the syllable, scared, terrified, the feeling of dread was like the last moment before you fall off a cliff.

“Don’t you remember?” his mum let out a broken sob and made an effort to stroke his back in a way she used to do if he were having bad nightmares as a child. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

“What’s happened?” Tyler whispered, but in the back of his mind he already knew the answer. He was suddenly feeling very small and vulnerable like a tiny boat on a stormy vast ocean about to be crushed by a wave.

“Josh, he…” a muffled sob came from his shirt before a blurry face appeared in front of his eyes. “Josh was flying back from India when the plane had a problem.”

Tyler scrunched his hand into a fist and had to will his eyes to stay open.

“It had a problem, something to do with the engine. Tyler, honey, the plane went down,” it was nothing more than a hushed whisper, a hushed whisper that toppled his whole world, the walls constructed in his mind came crashing down, spilling across the floor for everyone to see.


End file.
